HOT: Heroes Of Time
by OracleVortex
Summary: I was tired when I wrote this, but I like it anyway. I seem to be on a humor kick lately. Basically, I am hosting a OoT game show. Enjoy! Final round and Credits are posted! COMPLETED!
1. Round One

H.O.T.: Heroes Of Time

By OracleVortex

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Disclaimer: I own zip. Nuthin'. Nadda.

I was bored and in a quirky, lack of sleep type of mood. It's also done half in script mode and in story mode. Plenty of randomness as well. Meh.

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You see a girl, in her mid-teens, wearing a pair of flared denim jeans and a white tee bearing the Canadian flag across the chest. She grins and waves at you.

"Hi! I am the author of this fic! I was totally suffering from lack of sleep when I decided to write this, which is probably why it's not all that funny." She shrugged. "Oh well. Anyway, I've decided, like any good author, that I would host a game show for H.O.T."

Crickets chirp.

OracleVortex rolls her eyes. "You know…**H**eroes **O**f **T**ime?" Still nothing. "Didn't any of you read the title?"

Random person: No.

"Fine. Then I will get on with it." She pulls out a remote control and presses the blue button. A tacky game show set rolls out, and thin music leaks out of a two-cent speaker. "Welcome to H.O.T!!! Let me introduce you to today's contestants!! If you please, Mr. Announcer!" 

Crickets make a lame attempt to chirp.

OracleVortex looks around. "Mr. Announcer?" Silence. "Hmm. I guess I don't have one." She shrugs. "Oh well, that can be remedied." Lifting her remote, she presses the green button.

Random person: OH NO!! NOT THE _GREEN_ BUTTON!!! THAT SUMMONS ORACLEVORTEX'S WIERD FRIENDS!!!!! RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!

OracleVortex rolls her eyes. A swirling green vortex appears next to her, and tosses somebody out. Then it vanishes with a 'blip.' The person stands up. You now see a blonde guy in his mid-teens, wearing a swirly rainbow coloured shirt and cargos.

The dude: Whoa….trippy!

OracleVortex smiles at him, waving. "Hi!" She turns back to her audience. "This is my buddie, but to protect his identity, I will call him Draken. He will be my co-announcer for the evening."

Draken: Why Draken?

OV: You know why.

Draken: {Thinks about it} OH! I get it! 

Chibi Planeteria: {Appears out of nowhere} I don't.

OV: How'd you get in here?

CP: I'm an author on FF.Net. I can pop in whenever I want.

OV: Can everyone do that?!?

CP:{Shakes her head} Nope. Just the ones who know you personally.

OV: Whew…

Draken: Uh, why am I here, again?

OV: OH! Here!

OracleVortex hands him a sheet of paper, which he reads over for a moment. He nods and then gives OV the thumbs up. OV hands him a microphone, and he smiles winningly at the audience, standing in the spotlight. 

Draken: {In announcer's voice} With pointy ears and blue eyes, this guy thought he was a Kokiri until he took a 7-year nap and woke up twice his original size! Welcome the original Hero of Time…………………Link!!!!

Second spotlight appears, green in color, and Link steps out from curtain number one, dressed in blue. OV, getting bored with the introductions already, pulls out her remote control and fast-forwards. Everything sounds like chipmunks as Draken announces Rauru, Ruto and Zelda. OV puts everything back to normal time. 

Draken: …And our last contestant, a survivor of the 7 year war, two-time winner of Harp and Lyre Competitions, and the most under-rated character around, give a big cheer for Sheik! Last of the Sheikahs! {Looks at OV} Sheik? But he's Zelda! Well, actually, Zelda's him!

Suddenly Draken is being beat on by two people; Zelda and Sheik.

Zelda: How dare you talk about my brother like that!! 

Sheik: I have feelings you know! My OWN!!

OV: (In horror) Stop beating on him!! 

{You see Draken. He twitches.}

Draken: Ow…

Chibi Planeteria: {Shakes her head} Poor Da—er--Draken…he's not used to the fan fiction universe yet…

OV: Are you still here?

CP: Yeah…I got bored. Can I play too?

OV: Err… {Looks around} Have you even played Zelda before?

CP: No.

OV: Well…that might be a problem.

CP: {Shrugs} Meh. So can I? 

OV: Um…okay…

{Another player podium slides in. Chibi Planeteria takes her place.}

Draken: Alrighty then… {Shuffles the cue cards that appeared out of nowhere} The first round will be a general knowledge test. If you know the answer… {pauses} Um…

OV: Shout out 'Beep!'

Rauru: 'Beep?'

Draken: Correct. Now, first question…

CP: Ooh! {Wave her hand in the air} I got one! Why don't we have real buzzers?

OV: Couldn't afford them. {Shrugs} You know Canadian money…

Draken: ^__^;; Getting back, now… First question: What is Link's sword called?

CP: BEEP! Excalibur!

Draken: Sorry, but no.

Link: Uh, beep? 

Draken: Yes?

Link: The Master Sword

Draken: Judges?

{There is a low murmur in on the judges panel} "WRONG!"

Link: WHAT? 

Sheik: Beep. 

OV: {Smiling at the Sheikah} Yes?

Sheik: What is the Master Sword?

OV: That is right! Ten points! 

Link: WHAT?!?! That's what I said!

Draken: Sorry, but you did not answer in the form of a question. 

Link: You didn't say that we had to!

OV: But we didn't say that you didn't have to do it either!

Draken: Judges?

Judges: DENIED! In favour of Sheik!

{Link pouts}

OV: Next Question: What color do Zoras turn when you choke them?

Rauru: BEEP! I say blue!

Draken: WRONG! They are already blue!

Rauru: So? They turn bluer!

CP: Is bluer a word?

OV: {Shrugs} Spell check didn't catch it, so it must be…

Zelda: Beep, what is red?

OV: WRONG!

Link: BEEP! What is green?

Draken: WRONG!

Sheik: Beep. What is violet? 

OV: {With sad eyes} Sorry, but no…

CP: What is pretty rainbow with sparkly glitter?

Draken: Do you even know what a Zora is?

CP: No.

Draken: ^__^;;;;

Ruto: Beep. What is pink?

OV: Nope. You're all wrong.

Everyone: Then what is it?

{Draken and OV look at each other} 

OV: Err…

Draken: Well…

CP: You don't know, do you?

OV: Nodda clue.

Draken: Sorry.

Ruto: I think that since I am a Zora, I should know the answer and I should get the points!

Draken/OV: Judges?

Judge #1: Sounds good to me.

Judge #2: Me too. Are we all in agreement?

Judge #3: Yep. Ruto gets the points.

Ruto: Yes! 

OV: Ten points awarded to Ruto.

Draken: Next question: Who was Shiro?

Link: Beep! Who was one of the carpenters in Gerudo Valley?

OV: Hey, we're asking the questions here, buddy. Do you know or not?

Link: Yes. He was one of the carpenters in Gerudo Valley.

Draken: Sorry, but that is incorrect. You did not answer in the form of a question.

Link: O.o? Uh, I did the first time…

OV: No. No you didn't. 

Link: Yes I did!

OV: NO YOU DIDN'T!

Link: YES I DID!!!

OV: JUDGES???

{Judges whisper among themselves} "Link is awarded points."

Link: P 

OV: {Muttering} Ten points. Final first round question: Who is cuter; Sheik or Link?

Rauru: I will not answer that question!

Link: I think we all know the answer to that one…

Sheik: Yeah…me…

Link: Um…NO.

Sheik: Um…YES.

Ruto: Beep! Who is my beloved?

OV: I don't know, but I guess that's Link, right? WRONG!

CP: {Looks at Link and then at Sheik} Ah…Beep? 

Draken: Answer?

CP: The dude with the red eyes?

OV: Correct! Fifteen points! {Consults her clipboard.} And ten points to Zelda to being related to Sheik. Twenty to Sheik for guessing that it was him.

Link/Ruto/Raruru: WHAT?!?!

CP/Zelda/Sheik: Yeah!

Draken: {Looks at his watch} As much fun as I am having, I want to go home. Can you send me back? It's getting late.

OV: {Looks at her watch} Hmm. I guess it is. Oh well. We'll have to continue this tomorrow…see ya later, peeps…

OV pulls out her remote control. Pressing the red button, and vortex appears and sucks Draken in. It blips away. 

OV: Do you need a lift home? 

CP: Nope. I have authoress powers, remember? {She snaps her fingers and vanishes}

OV: What about the rest of you?

{Zelda is climbing into a blue jewel thing with Rauru and Link. Ruto dove into a pool, and only Sheik was left alone.}

OV: Hello handsome…you can come to _my_ place… 

{Presses the red button and she and Sheik are swallowed up in the vortex}

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Hee-hee-hee! If only I could take Sheik home with me! *Sigh* oh well…

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	2. Round Two

Chapter Two: Round Two

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Disclaimer: I don't even remotely own anything or anyone that has to do with Zelda. Draken and Chibi Planeteria are real/based on real people, so you can't use them. :P And OracleVortex is me, so you can't steal me either…unless you're Sheik, or you ask first. ;)

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It's late afternoon, the sun is already heading for sunset, and the coffee in the machine is long cold. OracleVortex, one who isn't a morning person and hates coffee, finds it all good. "Beautiful." She says, pulling a remote out of her pocket. Pressing the channel change buttons, she is suddenly on the set of H.O.T., dressed in a navy polo shirt, grey pants and a red bandana. A Canadian flag is tattooed on her right arm—washable style.

OV presses the blue button on her remote. Ruto, Rauru, Link, Zelda and Sheik appear. Sheik grins at her. She grins back. 

Ruto: Hi.

Zelda: Hello.

Link: Why so late?

Rauru: {Yawns} Why so early?

Sheik: {Winks} Sleep well?

There's a bright puff of pink/violet smoke, and another girl appears. She has rainbow hair pulled into two pigtails. A tail flickers in and out of view, and a set of pure white wings flutter from behind her shoulders.

Chibi Planeteria: Did I miss anything?

Ruto: We haven't even started yet.

OV concentrates for a moment, and an audience blinks into existence. The Judges walk in; take their place and wave at everyone.

OV: I think I'm missing someone… {Snaps her fingers} Oh! 

She presses the green button on her remote.

Random Person: OH NO!! NOT THE _GREEN_ BUTTON!!! THAT SUMMONS ORACLEVORTEX'S WIERD FRIENDS!!!!! RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!!

CP: Shut up! That's what you said last time! {Hits the person}

Random Person: Ow…

A green vortex appears, swirling and yet at the same time, silent. It gurgles for a moment, but then spits out a person and vanishes. The dude stands up. It's Draken, and he's dressed all in green this time. The hippie shirt is nowhere to be seen. Oh well. 

Draken: {Looking sick} Can I get a trailer on set? Going through the vortex all the time makes me queasy.

OV: Hmm…that's something worth considering…but it'll cost money…

Draken: You're the writer! _Imagine it!_

OV: Yeah, but I'd have to keep on imagining it, or else it'll disappear!

Draken: Oh…then write it.

OV: … I'll think about it. Now let's start the show by recapping! 

{Crowd cheers and loud and lame music plays in the background. It booms out a game show reel, and then yells the name of the show. When it finishes, the crowd stops cheering.}

Draken: The points are as follows: Sheik is in the lead with 30 points

OV: YEAH!!

Draken: Chibi Planeteria is second with fifteen points

CP: {To all but Sheik} IN YOUR FACE!

Draken: Ruto, Zelda and Link are tied in third with ten points apiece, and Rauru is in last with zero.

Rauru: {Pouts}

OV: Thank you Draken, and let's get to the first of the second round questions! We will give you a description and you must buzz in and give us the name of what we are describing. Everyone got that?

{All six players nod vigorously} 

OV: Okay, first Description: I have pointed ears, a big sword and I wear blue. Who am I?

CP: BEEP! Inu-Yasha!

OV: Well, it could be, but I don't think he wears blue. Nope. 

CP: Darn it.

Link: Beep. Who is me?

OV: That, my friend, is bad English. Besides, you're wrong.

Sheik: Beep. The answer is Link.

OV: Correct! Ten points to Sheik!

Link: What? But that's what I said! And he didn't answer in the form of a question!

Draken: Oh. You don't have to answer in the form of a question anymore. 

Link: Since when?!

OV: Since the judges decided it was getting too confusing. Right?

{All three judges nod, smiles on their faces.}

Judge #1: Sorry.

Judge #2: I guess you missed the memo.

Judge #3: {scratching her head} I thought that you got it…

Link: There was a memo?!?

Rauru: {Snaps his fingers} that reminds me. Link, I borrowed your fax the other day. When do you want it back?

Link: {Looking to the sky} Farore…they're all out to get me…

Farore: Yes. They are.

{Everyone looks up at the sky. All they see is clouds and those annoying raven things.}

Ruto: That was out of the ordinary.

OV: That was randomness. {Smiles} 

Draken: Oooookay…description two. Scratch my head, I turn all red, scratch my back I turn all black. Throw a bomb at me and I die. What am I?

Ruto: Beep. Um… a match?

OV: Only in my reality. This is a Zelda thing, here, remember?

Rauru: Beep! It's a Flare Dancer.

Draken: {Looks at his cue card in amazement} You're…right!

{Everyone turns to look at the old man}

Rauru: What? I use to know one, okay?!

OV: Um… ten points to Rauru… Description three: Patta, patta, boom, boom, boom. The beat is loud when you enter my room. Who am I?

CP: Beep! It's Se—

OV clamps a hand over CP's mouth. "If you're going to use real people, then make up a name for them." She let CP go, returning back to the newly created announcers stand. CP gives her a quirky look, but thinks for a moment. 

CP: Oh! Is it Freak on a Leash?

OV: {eye twitches} BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Freak on a Leash! {Wipes away a tear} Ah…that's great. No. It's not. Nice guess.

CP: It could be him, tho!

OV: I know, but that's not the answer. Heh…you get five points for that answer.

Everyone else: What?! Judges!

Judges discuss for a moment. "She gets to keep the points!" All the other players mumble and grumble, but they can't argue with the judges. Nobody can argue with the judges. No one. NO ONE!

Draken: O.o;; Anyone else?

Link: Beep. It's Bongo-Bongo.

OV: Oh, is it?

Link: Yes.

OV: And how do you know that? 

Link: {Stares at her} Um…I fought him? Remember?

OV: {Reluctantly} Fine…

Draken: Ten points for a correct answer. Final description: Stubborn as a fool, pretty as a mule, powerful and has a dorky name, Sheik's suffering is his to blame? {Looks at OV} What kind of description is this?

OV: {Sternly} Don't argue with the cue cards, okay? 

Draken: (sighs) Fine…

Sheik: Beep. Is it Link?

Link: Excuse me!

(Everyone edges away from him)

Link: {Exasperated} THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! How is that me?

Sheik: {Smirking} Think a little.

Link: {Suspious tone} Hey…are you insulting me?

Sheik: No shit Sherlock.

Zelda: {Shocked} Sheik! Watch your language! {Gives him The Look}

Sheik: {Meekly} Sorry Zel. I didn't mean it. {pauses} Wait…yes I did…

Link: {Growls}

OV: ^__^;;; Does anyone know the answer? This is a fifteen pointer.

Ruto: Ooh! Beep! {Waves a fin in the air}

Draken: Yes?

Ruto: It's Ganondorf.

Draken: Yes. Fifteen points.

OV: We would, however, prefer that you call him by his proper name.

Ruto: Proper name?

OV: Yes. GanonDORK. It was his nickname in high school.

Everyone bursts out laughing. Even CP, who doesn't know what the heck is going on, is giggling. Soon, Ruto and Rauru pass out from lack of air, and Link starts to choke. Zelda, chortling all the while, tries to get him to breathe properly again, but cannot stop laughing to do so. Sheik, being the responsible one, whips out a cell phone and dials 1-2-3, the Hylian Hospital. Within minutes, two white horses come in, a stretcher between them. They load Link, Ruto, Zelda and Rauru into it and gallop away. 

Draken: Well.

CP: This means that we aren't playing anymore, today, are we?

OV: I guess not. Oh well. {Turns to audience} Thank you for tuning in! We'll see you next time on…

Draken/OV/CP: HOT: Heroes Of Time!

Sheik: Thank you and good night!

Draken: So…are you going to spring for a trailer?

OV: {Taps the side of her chin with a pencil} You know what, I'm going to do better. {Waves her hands at the set.} There ya go!

The set has changed into an exclusive Hylian Resort, with the words, "Cucco and fries-$2" flashing in the window of the restaurant. There is a swimming pool, complete with Zoras, and many large rooms scattered all over the place. Everything is done in a gentle green décor. 

Draken: {Raises an eyebrow} Nice. 

OV:{Bows} Thank you. {Offers an arm to Sheik} Shall we?

Sheik: {Smiles} Sure.

The last thing that you see is Draken, OV and Sheik walking into the resort. CP blips away, via her authoress powers, and the audience vanishes without OV's imagination to uphold them. 

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There. Round Two is finished. Get ready for round three: Lightning round!!

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	3. Lightning Round

Chapter Three: Lightning Round!!!

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Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda in remotely anyway. As always, Draken and Chibi Planeteria are real/based on real people, so you can't go stealing them. And you can't steal me either…I'm OracleVortex, if you forgot. 

Enjoy!

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Cracking her knuckles, OracleVortex suddenly gets the urge to write some more H.O.T. After completing five chapters of other OoT stories, she feels that it is a welcome change. Grabbing her remote control and stuffing it into the pocket of her cargoes, she sticks a Canadian-made visor on her head and heads out of her resort room. On the way by, she knocks on two other doors. 

OV: Let's get a move on, boys!! It's game time!!

Draken: {Appears, Gameboy in hand} Yes! Another jewel!! 

OV: Still playing Four Swords? 

Draken: Yeah, but the single player thing, not the actual four swords stuff. 

(A/N: I have the game too: I love it!! *grumbles* I'm always the red Link when I play, tho. I wanna be the blue one!!)

Sheik: {Appears in a flash of light} Hello…what's this? 

Draken: Zelda for Gameboy. 

Sheik: Cool! Am I in it?

Draken: Uh…no.

Sheik: Darn it.

OV, rolling her eyes, presses fast forward. Everything is warp speed as she and the two guys exit the building, she turns it to a game show set, summons the judges, audience and players, waits for Chibi Planeteria to arrive in a pink puff of smoke, takes her place at the announcer's podium and then bops herself on the head for writing such a long run on sentence. 

OV: {Rubs her head} Ow.

Draken: …Yes, I _will_ buy a red shield for lots and lots of ruppees.

OV: {Bops him} Stop playing! We have a game show to run here!

Draken: All right, all right….sheesh. {Puts the Gameboy on sleep mode} Shh! It's sleeping!

OV: {Rolls eyes} Okay…Welcome to….

Audience: H_O_T!!!! HEROES OF TIME!!!

OV: I am your hostess—

CP: Where's the cream filling?

OV: What?

CP: Hostess…where's the cream filling? {laughs}

OV: {throws a banana at her head} Very funny. I'm your hostess, OracleVortex, 

Draken: {Muttering} Damn like-likes, curse your long tongue-like appendages!

OV: Quit playing the Legends of Zelda!!

Draken: FINE! {Pouts} And I am your host, Draken! The third round will be a…

(Dramatic Pause) 

Draken: LIGHTNING ROUND!!!

{Lightning strikes in the background.}

OV: The goal is to answer rapid-fire questions as quickly and as correctly as you can. Let's recap points! In the lead is Sheik, with 40 points!

Sheik: {Smirks at Link} HA.

OV: …In second place is Chibi Planeteria with 20 points! 

CP: {Claps hands} YAY!

OV: In third is Link with 20, and Rauru, Ruto and Zelda all are in fourth with 10 points apiece. 

Link: Wait! If I have the same amount of points as CP, why aren't we both tied for second?

Draken: Ladies first.

Link: What? Judges!

The Judges mumble and grumble for a moment. "It is well known that ladies…are first. OVERRULED!"

Link: I CAN"T WIN!!!!

OV: {Whistles innocently} First question, and feel free to shout out at random; What color bricks does a blue house have?

Ruto: Blue!

Draken: What color bricks does a yellow house have?

Zelda: Yellow!

OV: What color bricks does a red house have? 

Rauru: Red!

Draken: What color bricks does a green house have?

Link: Green?

OV: WRONG!!! A greenhouse is made of GLASS! And seeing how this is a LIGHTNING round, you will be struck by lightning! 

{A massive bolt of lightning strikes down upon Link.}

Link: AIEEE!! {Twitches}

Draken: That was kinda mean.

OV: Meh. Five points to Ruto, Rauru and Zelda. Moving on…

Draken: Second question, if I'm driving a school bus that has four people, and six more get on, how many passengers are there on the bus?

CP: Ooh! Ten!

OV: Correct! If five more get on, and three get off, now how many are there?

Zelda: Twelve.

Draken: Correct! And if seven get off and sixteen get on, now how many are there?

Rauru: Um…Twenty-one?

OV: Correct, if three get on and none get off, how many are there now?

Ruto: Twenty-four.

Draken: Correct. Finally, what is the name of the bus driver?

Everyone looks around blankly. The name of the bus driver? How the hell are they supposed to know that?

Sheik: It's Draken, because at the beginning of the question, you said that you were driving. 

OV: {Dabbing her eyes} He's so smart. 

Draken: It doesn't make sense, tho, considering I don't have my drivers yet…just my learners. {Looks pointedly at OV}

OV: SURE! RUB IT IN, WHY DON'T YA? {Pouts, cuz she has to wait five months till she takes the class P} Ten points to all who answered a math related question, and fifteen to Sheik, cuz he was paying attention. 

Everyone but Link: Whahoo!!

Link: {still frazzled by the lightning} Uhhh…

OV: Okay, final questions: What's one plus one?

CP: TWO!

Draken: Right! What's two plus two?

Zelda: Four.

OV: Correct! What's four plus four?

Link: {Back to almost normal} Eht. {Tries again} Eight.

Draken: Right! What's eight plus eight?

Ruto: Sixteen.

OV: Correct! What's sixteen plus sixteen? 

Sheik: Thirty-two.

OV: Correct! {Smiles} Finally, what was the first thing that I asked you?

Rauru: Um…What's one plus one?

Draken: WRONG!! The first thing that she asked was "What?" 

Everyone: What?

OV: Yes. When CP interrupted with 'where's the cream filling?' I asked 'What?"

Draken: Five points for all correct answers, and since Rauru got the question wrong….

{Lightning flashes in the background} 

Rauru: OoO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

OV: {laughs evilly} MUHAHAHA!!! 

{Lightning strikes Rauru)

Rauru: AIEEEE!! {Twitches and falls over. He doesn't move again.}

CP: Um…I think that you may have overdone it.

OV: ^_^;;;; Whupps.

Zelda: {Shakes her head} This isn't good.

OV: Why not?

Zelda: {Going into telling a legend mode} This is a tale that has been passed down through the Royal family for many a millennia… It is said that when The Sage of Light, _goes_ to the light, then the seal on the door of time will be broken. {Nods solemnly} Only the Hero of Time can stop the evil Ganon when he breaks free from the Sacred Realm.

{Everyone turns to look at Link}

Link: What? I have to fight him yet _again_? {Crosses his arms} This wasn't in my contract.

{A dude in a navy silk suit pops into existance beside OracleVortex)

Dude in a Navy Silk Suit: I do believe that it was. {Whips out a contract written in green pen} "I, Link, Hero of Time, Honorary Member of the Kokiri, yadda. yadda…do here by sign this form, entitling me to play on H.O.T, sell my soul to OracleVortex, and fight Ganon if Rauru dies and the Door of Time opens." {Puts the paper away} It's all right here.

Link: Who _are_ you, anyway?

DIANSS: I'm OracleVortex's lawyer. You may call me Bob.

Ruto: Bob?

Bob: Yes. Bob Weodibaebiizaboi. Do you have a problem with that?

Ruto: Um…no… {Backs away}

OV: So…now what do we do?

Link: {sighs} I guess I have to fight Ganon.     ….         Wait a second…OV owns my soul?!?

OV: {whisltes}

Draken: YEAH! I beat the third dark world boss!

(Everyone stares at him}

Draken: {Hides his gameboy} Um…what did I miss?

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There ya go: actual conflict. Heh. Next Chapter is the bonus round: Run by the king of evil, Gannon, his self!

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	4. Takeover

Chapter Four: Takeover

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Disclaimer: I own nothing, but if you take Chibi Planeteria, Draken or myself, I will HUNT YOU DOWN AND PUBLICALLY HUMILUATE YOU FOR ALL OF FF.NET TO READ!!! … A-hem. I now return you to the fanfic. Thank you. 

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OracleVortex: To recap last weeks round and fill Draken in on what he had missed…

Draken: YEAH! I BEAT GANON!!

Everyone: A-hem…

Draken: Um… {Hides his gameboy} That's the last time, I promise.

OracleVortex: It better be. I wouldn't want to take your game away…then we wouldn't be able to play Four Swords.

Draken: NOOOOOOOOO!!! I'll be good! I promise!  

OV: Good. Anyway, Rauru got a question wrong in the lightning round, and was struck by lightning. 

Chibi Planeteria: He died, too. 

OV: {Waves a hand} Details, details… Anyway, now Link has to fight Ganon, and we get to watch.

Link:{Grumbles}

Draken: {Nods} Cool. Time for a point recap. {pulls out the clipboard} Sheik is in the lead with 60 points…

Link: {Mutters} As usual

OV: CP is in second with 35 points.

CP: {laughs and points} That's right! _Still_ kicking yer asses!

Draken: Ruto, Link and Zelda are in third with thirty points. 

OV: And Rauru is disqualified on the terms of death, with a mere 25 points. 

There is a moment of revered silence. 

OV: But moving on…now we are—

Evil Laughter: MUH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

OV: What the flying fuck?

Zelda: Watch your language! 

OV: Sor-ry. Geez. 

Evil Laughter: MUH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

Draken: Who _is_ that?

Evil Laughter: MUH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

Link: {Thoughtfully} I know that insidious insane laughter…hmm…

Evil Laughter: MUH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

CP: {Covers her ears} My GOD, will someone shut him up? Before _I_ do?!

Evil Laughter: MUH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

Link: Him? I KNOW! It's Ganon!

Sheik: {Rolls eyes} Finally he gets it…sheesh… 

There is a puff of dark brown smoke, and a pipe organ in the background starts to play. A man is floating in the air, unaided by wings. He wears a long dark cape. 

CP: {Pouts} Darn. No wings…

Zelda: {Gasps and points} It's GANON!!

Ganon: Yes, princess, I have come to ANHILATE YOU ALL!!!!!! MUH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

OV: {Sighs} Ganon, you can't do that.

Ganon: And why NOT?

Bob appears, in a green silk suit, whips out a scroll and flicks it open. Rolling out to its full length, he points at a paragraph, written in blue. "I Ganon, King of Evil, King of Gerudos, yadda yadda, do here by sign this form, entitling me to guest spot on H.O.T, sell my soul to OracleVortex, and to not destroy the players." {Puts the scroll away} It's all right here.

Ganon: {landing on the ground} You're a real pain in the arse, you know that?

Bob: {nods} I'm her lawyer. I'm supposed to be. {vanishes}

CP: {whispers} Hey – OV, how many souls do you have now?

OV: {whistles innocently} I dunno…

Ganon: Getting back to ME, here…what can I do?

OV: You wanna host a special bonus round?

Zelda: Are you INSANE??

Draken: Yes. She is. 

CP: Totally insane. Did you know that Earth is the insane asylum of the universe?

Zelda: That would explain a lot…

Ganon: I have thought it over…

…

…

…

…

CP: Uh, Ganon - AND?

Ganon: I have decided that I will… {Takes a dramatic pose} HOST THE BONUS ROUND!!!!

Audience: {gasps}

OV: Cool.

Ganon: But you and your friend, here, {points at Draken} will have to play as well.

Draken: WHAT? I didn't sign on for that!

Bob: {appears} A-hem…

Draken: -_-;;; Never mind…I don't wanna know… Does she own my soul too?

Bob: {nods} Sorry dude. {Vanishes} 

OV: {clicks her remote, and two new podiums appear} Let's do this then. 

Ganon: Okay, but first, there must be a scenery change…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yup. And that's all she wrote. In this chap, anyway. Heh. Next one will be soon – Ganon kicks some ass!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	5. Bonus Round Hosted By GANON!

Chapter Four: Bonus Round

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: None of the Zelda characters are mine, but me, Chibi Planeteria and Draken are the alias' of real people, so you can't steal them. :P

Lots of Ganon-shipping in this one, so I dedicate this chapp to canihavea-soda, who has a major Ganon fetish. -__-? I don't know how, but she does…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the darkness of the night, a deep sound of a pipe organ echoes through the gaping abyss of the cold stone chamber. Only one man dares to stand unprotected, glorious in the destruction that was created by his own hand—

OV: {rolls eyes} Can we get on with this? I have a ton of homework due on Monday, and it's gonna take me all weekend. 

Draken: I second that protest! {mutters} Stupid poetry assignment package…

OV: Yeah, I know. I had a brilliant poem, and I even made it Rhyme (per instructions) and then the teacher tells me that I have to have five different figures of speech in it! I only had two, dammit!

Ganon: {Glares} HEY! This is my bonus round, and I'm going to run this MY WAY! 

OV/Draken: Yeah, yeah…

Ganon: Good. Now let me finish! A-hem…

---and his name is Ganon, King of the Gerudos, and king of all that is dark and evil in Hyrule. Standing a proud 6 foot 3, he has come onto the game show of HOT to smite the good guys and bring them utter and humiliating chaos. 

Ganon: MUH-HA-HA-HA!!

Contestants:  -__-;;;

Ganon: I summon my judges!

Three poes appear, and you soon see that they are the poe sisters, Beth, Joelle, and Amy.

Draken: Hehey,  Hey, aren't there four poe sisters?

Beth: Yes, but Meg had another appointment with the ghosts at Hogwarts.

CP: Hogwarts? You mean in Harry Potter?

Joelle: Well, not _in_ Harry Potter, but in the same universe, yes.

Draken: Sweet.

Ganon: Enough chat! {Audience of mean-looking baddies appear) Let's play…

Audience: H – O – T! HORRORS OF TIME!!

OV: HEY! Did I say that you could change the—

Ganon: SILENCE! This is my show now! For this round, you will be the contestants at MY bidding! MUH-HA-HA!

Zelda: Goddesses help us now…

CP: Oh shut up. How bad can it be?

Random person: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU JUST JINXED IT ALL!!!!!!

CP: {Bops him} Are you still hanging around here? Go away!

Random Person: {meekly} Okay…

You see the new set. The seven players are on a platform on one side of a sand pit, while a many-pathed road of marble slabs lead to the other side where Ganon is lounging in a large plushy chair. 

Ganon: In this round, you must play to the other side, like pieces in a board game! Each marble slab either holds a question or… {Dramatic pause} A trap!

Audience: {Claps}

Ganon: I know. Today you will all be playing for your freedom, for unless you win, you are trapped here… FOREVER!!

CP: Can't OV just use her remote control to get us out of here?

OV: {bawls} I would, but he took the batteries!!

Draken: He didn't!

Ganon: {Holds up two AAs} Oh, but I did… 

Audience: {claps} 

Ganon; Thank you, thank you, thank yooooooouuuuuu….

Link: Not getting any younger, here…

Ganon: Oh shut up. You go first. Press the red buzzer on the pedestal.

Link: {Looks around} What pedestal?

A big black pedestal drops from the sky and hits Link on the head. 

SXF: BOINK!

Audience: BWAHAHAHA!

Link: {Rubbing his head} Ow. {Presses red buzzer}

SXF: ZZZZAAAAAAPPPPPP!

Link: {Twitching} OW….

A roulette wheel appears, spinning around. It lands on **Three Steps or a Warp Jewel**. 

Ganon: Choose one. 

Link: {Thinking} Well…I'll have to go with…um…Warp Jewel.

Ganon: All right! And your question is…. Who is the most handsome man in the land?

Link: Um…

Ruto: Pick you! Pick you!

Sheik: Oh, it's totally me.

OV: Yeah, I know.

Link: Um…

Ganon: TIME'S UP! The correct answer is… ME! GANON!

CP: We shoulda saw that coming…

Ganon: And tell him what he's won, Johnny!

OV: What, now?

Evil Announcer Voice: Link has won the Downside Prize! If you answer a question wrong, then you must take a penalty that is concealed in the form of a prize!

Link: Oh crap.

Ganon: {whips out a cue card} And your 'prize' is to wear a pink lacy tutu and dance the Macarena until your next turn, or until you roll a five.

Link: Roll a five? We're not even using dice!

Sheik: Oh, this is great…

A bright flash of light is around Link, and when it vanishes, he is wearing the above said clothing item. A Skultulla stands by with a stick. 

Skulltula: Dance!

Link: Never!

Skulltula: {Pokes the backs of his knees} Dance!

Link: Geeyaa! {dances} 

Ganon: All right, OV, it's your turn!

OV: Whoo boy… {presses the button}

SFX: Ding-dong!

Ganon: That is the sound that means you have a special question!

Audience: Oooh! Ahhhh!

Ganon: You have a choice of either **Insanely stupid question** or **Wacky Wild Definitions**. What is your choice?

Draken: What the-

OV: I'll take the **Insanely stupid Question**. 

Ganon: All right! What kind of underwear am I wearing?

CP: What in blazes?

Zelda: Don't answer it! I don't wanna know!!

Ruto: Flapping fish fins, what a question!

All: {Stare at Ruto} 

Ruto: What? It's an expression… {mutters} Stupid landlubbers…

All: o.O

Ganon: Hey! Do you have an answer? {Snickers} She'll never get it.

OV: Um…

Ganon: TIME"S U-

OV: Commando! I choose commando!

All: Eww…

Ganon: Great Scott!

Beth: Ten points…

Amy: …Is awarded. 

Link: {Stops and stares} HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

Skulltula: DANCE! {pokes his eye}

Link: Eeyow! {dances}

Ganon: {evilly} I'll never know how you knew that, but…tell her what she's won, Johnny!

Johnny: OV has won the privilege of singing "Drive" By Treble Charger!

Ganon: So THERE!

OV: YEAH!

CP/Draken: Oh god…we're so doomed. 

Sheik: Why do you say that?

Draken: She couldn't sing to save the world…

Zelda: Ah…that's sort of what we're trying to do here…

CP: Aren't we trying to save the gameshow?

Ruto: Technicalities… 

There is a puff of smoke and two more poes appear on the set. The first is Flat, the second is Sharp. They are the composer brothers. 

Flat: And a one, and a two…

Sharp: And a one, two, three…

A guitar starts up, followed by drums. 

OV: {loud and off key} I tired of thinking less of what you heard me say… I'm troubled I confess it's clear that I can't stay…

Ganon: {blinks} Whoa…moving on… Ah…Zelda, it's your turn…Zelda?

The contestants are huddled together in a small circle at the back. There is much whispering. 

OV: SURRENDER NOW I guess, safe to FACE THE LIGHT OF DAY…I'll tell you all the rest, it'll have to BE ON THE WAY…

Ganon: Must…ignore…emphasized words… ZELDA!

Zelda: Got it! {presses the button}

SFX: BOING!

Ganon: That means that you are—

OV: Driving through the night! The streetlights shine so bright; oh they're so bright…

Flat: Good, good! Keep going!

Ganon: That you are to choose from either **Hard History** or **Wacky Wild Definitions**. Which will it be?

Zelda: Um… **Hard History**.

Ganon: Okay…Tell us why I wasn't able to contain the Triforce.

Zelda: That's bec—

OV: Cause it's driving way too fast and it's me behind the wheel! I know it's been a blast, don't know how I'm supposed to feel, the more I hit the gas, the less it seems to be real…

Ganon: Will someone shut her up! She's interrupting the game!

Beth: Actually, we can't…

Ganon: Why not? 

Amy: It's part of the game, itself. 

Joelle: She can't stop until she's done…

Beth: And then she gets free passage to the doors. 

OV: Driving through the night, the streetlights shine so bright, but I don't feel all right…

Ganon: What doors?

Joelle: The bonus round doors.

Ganon: What are they for?

Amy: The prizes. 

Ganon: I make up the prizes!

OV: Driving through the night, the streetlights shine so bright, but I don't feel all right…

Beth: Not the bonus round prizes.

Ganon: And why not?

Amy: It's in the contract.

Bob: {appears} Hello. 

Ganon: Go away! I get it!

Bob: {vanishes}

OV: Driving through the night, and it's all right…

SFX: DING-A-LING-A-LING!!!!

Sharp: Bravo! Bravo! 

Flat: That was great!

Sharp: But we must be going now…

Flat: Good-bye!

The two poes disappear and OV shimmers. She reappears near the PRIZE DOORS.

Ganon: CRAP!

Contestants: {Cheer}

Ganon: {grumbles} Choose a door.

OV: Eenie, meenie, minee, moe… 

Ganon: Just choose one!

OV: FINE! Number three, please.

Ganon: Tell her what she's won, Johnny!

Johnny: She has won a package of double AA batteries!

Ganon: NOOO!

Rest: YES!

Audience: BOOO!

OV hold up her prize with a grin, shoving it into the back of her remote control. Quickly, she presses pause. Walking around, she moves things, and then returns back to her spot beside Draken and Sheik. 

Draken: Wha?! How did you-?

SFX: THUNK! 

Ganon is seen, sprawled face first into one of the giant marble slabs in the marble pit. 

Ganon: OW!

Bob: {appears} I'm sorry Ganon, but your time with HOT is up.

Ganon: Already?

Bob: Yes. You must leave the premises immediately. 

Ganon: But…but…

Bob: Please, we don't want a big scene.

Ganon: I'll be back, and when I am, you'll be sorry! {Flies away}

Ruto: That's what you always say…

Zelda: What about my question?

Link: {puffing} What about ME? Can I stop, now?

OV: Yes, yes… {presses stop on her remote}

Link: {falls to the ground}

Draken: Well…that was less than fun… {turns} I'm going back to the resort… I have The Wind Waker to play…

Sheik: What happened to The Four Swords?

Draken: Oh, I finished that _ages_ ago… this Zelda is for GameCube.

Sheik: Am I in this one?

Draken: Sorry, man…

Sheik: Dammit all!

Zelda: Watch your language!

Sheik: Sorry.

OV: Okay, everyone leave, I have a lot of cleaning up to do. 

Everyone goes; Sheik and Draken head for the resort, Sheik pestering him about the Wind Waker. CP blips out, and OV stands alone on the set. She shoos away the evil audience, and chats with the three poe sisters for a moment. Then they go as well.

OV: Well then. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Wow. Long chapter. See you all next round! Oh, and "Drive" Is by Treble Charger. I don't own it. 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	6. Round Four

HOT: Round four

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing. Well, the Remote ControlTM is mine…but that's just the source of my authoress abilities… Don't steal it, please. 

And, yeah, this was started in April and finished in July. Deal. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's cold. It's terrible and horribly frigid. There is snow on the ground that is three feet high, and there is a single person in the thick of it, struggling to make a path in the snow. This is OV, one of two Canadians at the Hylian Resort, is shoveling in the afternoon. There is only one thing she has to say to that. 

OV: BRING IT ON, BABY! {flexes her arms} HUGHHHYEEAH! That's the stuff!

Draken, a cheery smile on his face, wanders by with a snow blower, blowing the snow back onto the cleared path. 

Draken: {waves}

OV: Damn yooouuuu…

Sheik: Brr. Can we play the game today? You haven't done it in a while. {whispers} I think all the reviewers out in Reviewer Land are out to get you…

Sheik/OV: {look around}

OV: Okay, okay…gather everyone around. 

Ruto, Zelda and Chibi Planeteria appear. Slowly everyone trudges to the set of the game show. The theme song plays and the audience claps.

OV: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sponsor Today's round! Everyone in the audience will be entitled to Hot Chocolate during the show!

Audience: YAY!

Ruto: {chattering} Why is it so cold? I thought that it was May!

Draken: It is.

Ruto: Buuut…?

OV: The weather is weird in Canada right now…it snows…

Draken: …then melts…

CP: …then rains…

OV: …then snows…

Draken: …then melts again…

CP: …then rains again…

OV: …then snows again…

Draken: …then melts _again_…

OV: …then—

Ruto: We get it.

Zelda: Completely.

OV: Good. Then let's get to today's round. Considering that I was left by myself to clean up the mess from Ganon's set…today will be a series of physical challenges!

Draken: Currently the scores are as such: Sheik is in the lead with a whopping 60 points, CP is in second with 35…

CP: Yay!

Draken: Ruto, Zelda and Link have thirty points, and OV has ten points from Ganon's bonus round. 

OV: And you have nothing.

Draken: -_-;;

Sheik: Hey…where is Link, anyway?

….

….

….

Ruto: YOU LOST MY LINKIE-POO?!?!

OV: Well… 

Ruto: WHY YOU LITTLE--!

Zelda: Language!! {to OV} You lost the Hero of Time?

OV: I didn't lose him! {Pulls out sparkly cue cards} Link is today's **Super-duper surprise prize**! If you are able to gain the most points by the end of the round, then he…is yours for the day!

Ruto: Wow! {flutters about}

Sheik: {grins evilly} Heh..heh…heh…

Zelda: Did he actually agree to that?

OV: Er…MOVING ON…

Draken: The first test is to swim across this lake of jiggling Jello!

A curtain appears and is then drawn back. Indeed, there is a pool of green jiggling Jello. Floating in midair is a transparent Zora ghost. 

Ruto: Mikau?

Mikau: Hey there, Ruto, baby…

OV: Mikau, here, has kindly offered to officiate in the swimming desserts round. 

Mikau: I don't have much to do, now that I'm dead. Can't even play my guitar anymore. 

Ruto: There, there… {Hand goes right through him}

Mikau: -_-;;

Draken: Everyone to the starting line, please!

Zelda: I am not swimming through Jello in a dress!

CP: Oh, suck it up…

OV: Hrm…that is a problem, isn't it…

Ruto: Not for me.

OV: I got it! {pulls out Remote Control} I'll just change the channel!

CP: What the—

There is a static buzz, and suddenly the snow melts. Everyone shimmers and they are all wearing bathing suits.

CP: GEYAAH! {Points at herself} Begone evil swimsuit! {It turns back into real clothes}

Ruto: {stares at her water wings} What the hell?

Zelda: Language! {Twirls in her old-school bathing suit} It's pink!

Sheik: What. Is this? 

OV: Heehee!

Draken: Oh. My God. 

Audience: {whistles}

Mikau: Nice Speedo, man. 

Sheik: Clothes! By the Eye, clothes!

Mysterious voice: Excuse me, but that will have to be censored.

OV: Wha?

Everyone turns around, only to see that there is a monkey with a black sunglasses and a black tie sitting right in front of the audience. 

Sheik: Who the hel-

Zelda: Language!

CP: Who are you?

Draken: DONKEY KONG!!

OV: {pats him on the shoulder} No, no he's not…

Draken: Aww…

Censor Monkey: I am the censor monkey. It is my job to survey the propriety of OV's fanfiction. I find that a Speedo may be offensive to some readers. 

OV: That is so bogus…it's not like they can actually _see_ anything. 

CM: Sorry, but that's the way that the ball bounces. Incidentally, I am also here to thank Zelda on our behalf.

Zelda: Me? Why?

CM: You have been cracking down hard on the swearing in this fic. Good job.  

CP: Oh, please…

OV: {defensively} This fic is PG-13! It's allowed!

CM: Sorry, but this is my job, Ma'am. Here. {claps his hands} I give you…trunks!

There is a puff of purple smoke, and a short little blonde kid is standing beside CM. He looks around.

SLBK: Where am I?

CP: IT'S TRUNKS!

CM: Ah…whoops…

Goten: {appears} Trunks! What are you doing?

Trunks: Someone summoned me! It wasn't my fault!

Goten: Oooh, is my dad going to be mad at you…

They vanish.

Draken: Well, now…

CM: I apologise for that…it was vague. Here—I give you SWIMMING trunks!

There's a puff of purple smoke and Sheik is wearing nice black swimming trunks. 

Sheik: Thanks.

CM: No problem. I must be going now. {Does the eye, point thing} I'm watching you… {disappears}

OV: I'm going to have to stop letting everyone in…sheesh…

Mikau: Uh, dudes and dudettes? 

Draken: Right! {does an Ash thing} Let's do this!

CP: Oh good lord…

Draken: Everyone line up! 

Everyone lines up at the edge of the pool. The Jello jiggles mockingly. 

Mikau: And, like, go, man! 

All contestants dive into the pool. Ruto slices in, and starts flailing about. Sheik slices in and starts flailing about. Zelda slices in and starts flailing about. CP hits the surface hard and bounces back. 

CP: What the hell?

Zelda: Language!!

CP: BITE ME!

Draken/OV: -__-;;

Sheik: This isn't too bad, really…

Random Person: NOW YOU'VE JINXED IT ALL!!!

Ruto: What are you talking about? Now YOU'VE jinxed it all!

Random Person: {gasps} You're right! NOW I'VE JINXED IT ALL!! YOU'RE ALL DOOMED! 

OV: {Throws a beach ball at him} Go away!

Random Person: {Takes a scoop of Jell-o and runs away}

Mikau: Oh, and dudes and dudettes…watch out for Jello, like, sharks, all right?

All: Jello sharks?

SFX: {Jaws theme}

CP: Swim! Swim for you lives!! {prances on the sidelines}

Draken: Aren't you supposed to be swimming?

CP: Shuddap.

Zelda:{turns around} Ack! {waves hands at ominous shark} Go away, jiggily fiend!

SFX: POOF!

Sheik: Think! What is the enemy of jello?

OV: Well, the opposite of jiggly is not-jiggly, and the opposite of jello is…um…er…

CP: Oh, for heavens sake. It's jello! EAT IT!

All: But…

Ruto: Wailing water witches… {crosses the finish line} TA-DA!

Mikau: And the winner is, like…Ruto-baby!

{Confetti falls through the air, the contestants vanish then reappear at their podiums, and the pool of jello disappears.}

Draken: Thank you, Mikau, for helping us. 

Mikau: Totally, dude. (fades away)

OV: All right! Fifteen points for Ruto, for crossing the finish line. 

Draken: Also, ten points to Zelda for zapping a jello shark.

OV: And five points apiece to Ruto, Zelda and Sheik for a clean dive into the jello. 

CP: What about me?

OV: You didn't even swim after the sharks appeared. 

CP: So?

OV: Sorry, but no. 

CP: {Sticks tongue out}

OV: Okay, let's recap points, shall we?

Draken: Sheik is still in the lead with an impressive 65 points, Ruto is in second with 50 points—

Sheik: Must. Get. Ahead!

OV: CP and Zelda have 35 points, Link has thirty and I still have ten points from Ganon's bonus round.

Draken: {grumbles} And I still have none. 

CP: {giggles}

Draken: Quiet, you.

OV: The next task to complete in this round will be officiated by the Goddess of Power, Din!

{A tall woman with long red hair steps into the newly created spotlight. She is wearing a floaty dress of a scarlet haze, and she holds a microphone in one hand.}

Din: Thank you, OV.

OV: No problem, Din. 

Audience: {In awe} 

Din: In the next round, you will have to take a piece of paper from this hat- 

{You see a crimson top hat}

Din: {cont.} –And perform the task to the best of your ability. 

CP: That's it?

Din: That's it.

OV: All right! For this, we will go alphabetically. CP, please take from the hat. 

CP: What? I hate being first! You know that!

Draken: Too bad.

CP: Why, I otta…

Din: A-hem…

CP: I don't even know who the heck you are!

Zelda: CP! She is a goddess! Of power!!

CP: So?

OV: Ack! Just go!

CP: Fine, fine… 

{CP leaves her pedestal and takes a piece of paper from the hat. She hands it to Din.}

Din: "Do a hand stand for ten seconds."

CP: Done and done! 

{CP does a handstand for ten seconds}

OV: Brava! Judges!

Judge #1: 8

Judge #2: 9

Judge #3: 8.5

Draken: {pulls out a calculator} Averaged out, that is… approximately an 8!

Audience: {cheers}

OV: Ruto! You're next!

{Ruto takes a piece of paper from the hat. She hands it to Din.}

Din: "Walk across these hot coals."

Ruto: Are you insane?? What hot coals?

Din: {points to the newly created hot coals}  
Ruto: Ah. {Gingerly puts a foot on the coals}

SFX: SIZZLE

Ruto: GEEYA!! {Dashes to the other side of the coals}

Draken: Um. Judges?

Judge #1: 4

Judge #2: 5

Judge #3: 2

OV: {scribbles on a piece of paper} That evens out to about…4!

Ruto: {nursing crispy feet} HOW DOES THAT WORK?

OV: Sheik! You're up!

{Sheik dips his hand into the hat. He hands the paper to Din.}

Din: "Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight."

Sheik: {Blinks} Excuse me?

Din: You heard me. 

Sheik: Um. Censor Monkey?

Censor Monkey: What?

Sheik: Can I do that?

Censor Monkey: I don't see why not. 

Sheik: Er. Okay then. 

{Sheik does a little dance.}

OV: SHAKE IT, BABY!

Draken: {stares at her}

OV: Um…never mind…

{Sheik hesitates, then kisses Din on the cheek.}

OV: It shoulda been me!!!

Five other girls in the crowd: *SWOON*

Several others reading this fic: Me! Me! I'm kissable!

Everyone else: -__-;;

Sheik: Ah…be right back. {walks off set}

Din: Where's he going?

OV: That's a good question. 

…

…

…

Draken: Moving on! Zelda, it's your turn!

Zelda: B-but, what about my brother?

OV: He said he'd be back. 

Zelda: But—

OV: So, he'll be back!

Zelda: But—

All: GO, ALREADY!

Zelda: DON'T GET PUSHY!

{Zelda reaches into the hat. She passes the paper to Din with a bow.}

CP: Show off. 

Din: "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."

Ruto: What?? I get 'walk across hot coals,' and she gets 'clap your frickin hands'?

Zelda: {clapping} Language!!

Ruto: BLOODY WELL BITE ME!

Audience: Ooooh…

Random Person: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

CP: Go away! 

{Ruto and Zelda start a catfight. The audience chants, and CP strangles the random guy.}

OV: Whoo boy. This is going to take a while. 

…

…

…

{Later, at night time. The set is a mess. House elves borrowed from Hogwarts are scurrying around, cleaning up everything. On one side of the set, Ruto is floating in a large tank of water. On the other side, Zelda is tied up in a containment jewel. Both are glaring at the other.}

Sheik: {Finally walks in} Whoa. What happened here?

OV: Where the hell have you been???

Sheik: {Holds up a bag} I went and got down.

Draken: {Eating ice cream} Say what now?

Sheik: Down. I went and got down, tonight.

{OV, and Draken stare at him.}

OV: You aren't talking about…

Draken: …Bird…down…do you?

Sheik: Of course. How else do you get down?

OV: -_-;; Whoo boy. {Goes into the Hylian resort}

Sheik: What?

Draken: Never mind, dude. Never mind.  {Follows OV}

Sheik: No, seriously… What?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heehee…my little innocent Sheik. Ain't he cute?

Sheik: I still don't get it. 

Lol. Next chapter's the last round folks…then there is some other stuff. Oh, just for clarity's sake, this was finished in July, and started in April. I think that I might have already said that somewhere, but… Meh. That's why there was snow at the beginning of the chapter. Now it's blazing hot here. ::melts::

~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	7. Final Round

HOT: Final Round

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Ain't that sad?

::squeals in delight:: The person who Draken is based on, one of my bestest friends, just got his license at the beginning of the summer! He can friggin' drive!! YEAH! He can drive me around!

Draken: Gimme gas money.

Me: Um… *empty pockets* Well…

Draken: No deal. ::drives away::

Me: Aw, crap. 

Lol. I'm so happy for him! ::applause::

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's hot. Sweltering. Absolutely and completely devastatingly scorching. OV is floating in the pool of the Hylian Resort, Draken paddling about in a tire tube not too far away. There are many discarded bottles of Chateau Romani littering the ground around the pool. Link is conked out at the beach table, a half-empty bottle in hand. Zelda and Sheik are snoozing in near-by lawn chairs, and Ruto is face first in the grass. CP dives off the diving board and into the pool.

OV: Well. That was a great party. 

Draken: You really didn't have to throw me a "Yay-you-can-drive" party. 

OV: Meh. 

Draken: I mean, _really_…

CP: Quit complaining. I didn't get one. 

OV: You don't have your license yet!

CP: But I could! I've been able to take the test for longer than he has!

Draken: Then why not go get yours?

CP: {drifts away} Nah. Too lazy. 

OV/Draken: Oy…

OV: {Gets out of the water} Well. I think it's time for some more gameshowness. 

Draken: {falls through the tire tube, then comes back up} But I was going to go and play some more Wind Walker…

OV: Didn't you finish that?

Draken: Oh, eons ago. I started a new game, though. I need something to do until Soul Calibur ll comes out. 

Link: {stirs} Ah'm in that… {Goes back to sleep}

CP: Come on! What we need is a rousing game of HOT!! Besides…I need points. 

Draken: Fine…fine…

{Ten minutes later, all the players are all behind their podiums and waiting for the opening titles.}

Audience: H_O_T: HEROES OF TIME!!

OV: Welcome back everyone!! This time we are going to try and get this round done in two months or less!

Audience: {cheers}

Draken: Also, this is the final round….

Audience: Awww…

OV: I know, I know… so the points will be double!

Contestants: Yeah!

OV: All right. This is the superhero round. Points will be given to those who can give correct answers to the questions. 

Draken: Speaking of points, there are points still to be awarded from last round. Sheik gets only eight points for completing two of his three tasks correctly. 

Sheik: {Grumbles} How was I supposed to know how to 'get down tonight'?

Draken: Ah…right. Anyway, Zelda is awarded five points for clapping her hands, and another five for actually fighting, for once in her life. 

Zelda: What's that supposed to mean?

OV: Nothing...nothing. 

Draken: Ten points are awarded to Link, for being the prize of the day, and for being awarded to Ruto and still managing to survive. 

Ruto: {Flutters her fins at Link}

Link: {Pretends he didn't see, looking the other way.} Doodeedoodeedoo

OV: Therefore, the points are as follows; Link is in last with 40 points, CP just ahead of him with 43…

CP: Not for long!! Hahahaha!!

Draken: Zelda is third with 45, Ruto is second with 54, and Sheik is in first with a giant 73 points. 

Audience: {applauds}

OV:  Moving right along… First Question, and feel free to yell it out. Name these catch phrases! "Holy frozen bad guys!"

Sheik: Robin, of Batman and Robin.

Draken: Correct! "Up, up and away!"

Ruto: Superman!

OV: Right! "Shazam!"

Zelda: "Captain Marvel!

OV: Yep! "By the power of Greyskull!"

CP: He-man!

Draken: Yes, now, list the superpowers of these X-men… Rogue!

CP: Ooh! Ability to steal others powers and memories!

OV: Close enough! Wolverine!

Link: Superhightened senses, healing ability and an andantanium skeleton!

Draken: Only half right! The skeleton was not a superpower! It was surgically placed into his body! 

Link: Aw, crap.

Audience Member 1: How do they know this?

Audience Member 2: Don't everyone read comic books?

OV: Okay, a points update…

Draken: Sheik has 93, CP has 83 Ruto has 74, Zelda has 65, and Link has only 50.

Link: Crap, crap, crap.

OV: Okay, now…for the final set of questions, you must rely on your memory of details in the game. Ready?

Contestants: YEAH!

Draken: What color is Link's hat in Soul Calibur ll?

OV: What? I thought that you didn't get that yet.

Draken: Well, not when you started to write this chapter…but it's October, now, and I have beaten it already.

OV: Oh. 

Draken: I mean, really… I got my drivers at the beginning of summer. YOU'RE TOO SLOW TO UPDATE!

OV: BITE ME!

Link: {Uncertain}Um…beep?

Draken: Hmm? {Looks at him} Oh! Right – yes?

Link: Green.

OV: TWENTY POINTS. What is the first song learned by Link, from Sheik?

Link: BEEP! Minuet of the Forest!

Draken: Correct! In Majora's Mask, which of the witches are attacked by Majora while in the Woods of Mystery?

Zelda: Beep! Koume!

OV: Yep! What is the full name of the owl that always babbles on with advice that you already know?

Link: {Quickly} Beep! Kaepora Gaebora!

OV: {mutters} Damn…correct.

Draken: Final question; what is the poem that is inscribed on the tomb where you learn the Sun's song, in Ocarina of Time?

Sheik: Oh! Beep! {Clears throat} Ahem… "The rising sun will eventually set, a new born's life will fade…from sun to moon and moon to sun, giving peaceful rest to the living dead."

OV: {Sighs} I love this guy. That's completely correct. For a follow up, what is the second part of the inscription, bearing the title of the song?

Sheik/Link: BEEP. "Restless souls wander where they don't belong, bring them calm with the Sun's song!

CP: … Whoa oh…

{Sheik and Link look at each other.}

Sheik/Link: I was first! … No! I was! 

OV: Um…judges?

Judge #1: Hmm…this is a tough one…

Judge #2: Maybe we should just divide the points…

Judge #3: Well…

Judge #2: Eight points will be given to Sheik because it was his follow up.

Judge #1: And Eleven points will be given to Link, for a correct answer that he isn't expected to know, but did anyway… Weird.  

Judge #3: And one point will be split between CP and Ruto, because they didn't answer any questions and we're feeling generous. 

CP: One lousy point?

Ruto: You mean, one lousy half point.

CP: Hmph. One lousy half point.

Sheik/Link: ::Glare at each other::

SFX: BWEEEOOOOOOO

OV: Now, we're going into the final question of the final round!! The correct answer is worth FOURTY POINTS!!

Audience: OOOH. AHHH.

Draken: Ruto has 74.5 points, CP has 83.5 points and Zelda has 85.

OV: Surprisingly, though… Both Sheik and Link are tied for first with 121 points apiece. Weird.

Draken: Yeah. But now it's the final question!!

{Dramatic music plays in the background.}

OV: And your question is… If Link and Bowser were to face off, who would win? Please give reasoning. 

Draken: What?

OV: My brother asked me this the other day…I wanted to see what they make of it.

Draken: What's the right answer?

OV: {Shows him the cue card.}

Draken: Really? But I thought---

OV: Shh! They're writing!

{Jeopardy music plays in the background.}

Johnny: Duh, duhduhduh, duh. Duh. Duh. DUHDUHDUH. And the time is uuuup!

OV: What are you doing back here?

Johnny: I dunno. Got bored, I guess.

OV: Oh. I see. Please go. 

Johnny: Can I at least sit in the audience?

OV: Well…

Johnny: {Puppy eyes}

OV: {sighs} Fine.

Johnny: Yay! {Hops off to sit in the audience}

Draken: ANYway… Pens down! Let's see your answers. Let's start with… Ruto!

{Ruto presses a button and the newly-formed screen on her platform lights up. It reads; "I think my Linkie-poo would definitely win, because though I have never heard of this 'Bowser' fellow, I'm sure that Linkie can beat anyone or anything that stands in his way." Following this was a little picture of Ruto hugging Link, outlined in hearts.}

OV: Ugh. I think I'm going to be sick. Bleargh. Zelda?

{Zelda presses the button and her screen lights up. "There is no doubt in my mind that Link would be perfectly capable of defeating Bowser. He is a fire-breathing lizard, while Link is the Hero of Time. There would be no contest." A Triforce is sketched off to one side.}

Draken: Nicely said. Link?

{Link presses the button. "I would win. End of story." There's a picture of a stick man piercing a stick Bowser with a stick sword. There is a speech bubble that reads – 'I win! Haha!'}

OV: Self absorbed sonofab-

Zelda: Language!

OV: Fine…fine… Sheik?

{Sheik pushes the button. "Though I am seriously tempted to say that Bowser would kick Link's skinny ass, I cannot. Link is the Hero of Time and the holder of the Triforce of Courage. … I'd have to come in and give him some backup." There's a comic underneath, with Link lying on the ground. He's clinging to Sheik's leg, saying, 'help me, Sheik! Only you can save me!'}

Sheik: Heh…

Link: HEY!

OV: Heeheehee…

Draken: {Shakes his head} CP?

{CP presses the button and the screen lights up. "I don't know and I don't care, so um…yeah." A design of a rose was doodled to the left, the words, 'Malice Mizer' done in a flowery script.}

Draken: Ah…nice…?

OV: {Grins} Now…for the real answer… {Flicks the cue card}

OV: {cont.} "If Bowser and Link were to go at it, I guess that Link would win. But seeing how I'm not too overly fond of the Hylian, I kind of want to see Link get squished. But since Bowser's from a different game and different reality that I don't care for… I don't care. However, I could guarantee that Link would need help of some sort. "

Draken: What? But Bowser would be like Volvagia…

OV: No…see, the difference between Bowser and Volvagia is that Bowser has a brain with speech patterns and plots and stuff… Volvagia doesn't.

Draken: I guess…

OV: Yep. So! {Turns back to the contestants.} "Forty points go to both Sheik and CP, who predicted that Link would need help, and that, I don't care! HA!

CP: YEAH!

Link: That was so cheap! I could definitely beat him by myself. 

OV: Oh?

{Bowser music plays, and the king lizard himself comes out onstage.}

Bowser: RWAR! LINK! 

Link: O.O HE'S HUGE!

Sheik: Well, duh.

Bowser: COME HERE, YOU LITTLE RUNT!

Link: O.O!!! ACK! RETREAT! RETREAT! {Runs off}

OV: Tallying the final results, it seems that Sheik is our…

Audience: HERO OF TIME!

Sheik: {preens} Oh, yeah…

OV: Therefore, he is given a lifetimes' supply of Termina Wax, and a spotlight in a game of his own!

Sheik: {gasps} ARE YOU KIDDING ME? My own game?? THAT'S AMAZING!

Draken: Thank you all for playing and thank you all for joining in on the fun! Till next time, this was…

Everyone in the studio: H-O-T! HEROES OF TIME!

Draken: Thank you, and good night!

{Link is seen being sat on by Bowser.}

Link: Why do you hate meeee?

OV: Because Sheik would take it personally if I openly hated Zelda.

Zelda: You don't like me??

OV: Um… Look! Over there!

Zelda: {Looks} What?

OV: {Hiding inside the Hylian resort} Well. That was a fun fic. … Maybe I should do one for Harry Potter or something… Hrm…

CP: {Head in hands} Oh, dear God…

~~~~~~~~~~~

The end! ;_; Thanks, all! Your support was greatly appreciated and whatnot. Thankies!

~~~~~~~~~~~


	8. Credits

HOT: The Credits

~~~~~~~~~~~~

OracleVortex: Hey there. This is my short little ending chapter in which I give credit to all the things that don't belong to me. To help me are people that I didn't create, but rather I know personally. Chibi Planeteria is a good friend of mine, and is an authoress here on FF.net. Draken isn't an author, but is another good friend of mine. They know that I have used them here, so it's not like I'm stealing their personalities or anything. 

Draken: Totally. First off, all characters of Nintendo belong exclusively to them and not OracleVortex. This includes Legends of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Legends of Zelda: Majora's Mask, Legends of Zelda: The Four Swords, Legends of Zelda: The Wind Waker, Soul Calibur ll, Gameboy, and Gamecube.

Chibi Planeteria:  OV doesn't own the Hostess slogan, "Hey, where's the cream filling," the telephone company idea of "Bob Weodibaebiizaboi," anything related to Harry Potter, the Macarena, Excalibur, Jello, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, Bowser, Super Mario, Jerry Springer, Jeopardy, Donkey Kong, Dragonball Z, or the song, "Drive" By Treble Charger. And if double AA batteries and the persona "Johnny" belong to anyone, it's theirs…not OV's…

OracleVortex: Also, the mentioned, "Freak on a Leash" is another person that I know really well, so he belongs to himself. He came up with the name; seeing as that's what he was for Halloween, a while back, so don't blame me. Finally, I would like to say that the character of Sheik is actually supposed to be a disguise for Zelda in Ocarina of Time. He isn't really a character, but I wish to perceive him as such. His personality is my own creation, though. 

Draken: Also, we would like to thank all the characters that came to play in our little game…Sheik, Link, Zelda, Rauru (may he rest in peace), Ganon, Ruto, Ganon, the cricket, the Random Person, the Judges, three of the four Poe sisters, the Skulltula, the carpenters for building the fourth round challenges and Ganon's set, the good audience, the bad audience, Zoras, Bob; OV's lawyer, Flat and Sharp; the composer brothers, Mikau's ghost, Farore, Din, the SFX people, the Censor Monkey, Bowser, Trunks and Goten, 

Chibi Planeteria: And we would lastly like to thank our sponsors:

~ Hylian Hospital! Have you ever found yourself beaten up, bleeding and left to die in Hyrule field and there's no faerie fountain in sight? Well, call 1-2-3 and the Hylian Hospital will take care of your needs!

~ The Miss Zelda Hotline. Dial her number and receive your first legend free! Royal family legends after two minutes are double the price. 

~ The Hyrule Poe Shop. If you are collecting Poes, or simply collecting souls, come in and visit us and we will give you tips on how to store them in properly sealed bottles. Caution: Do not drink. 

All three: {Waves} Bye, bye! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
